Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
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how it started vs how it ended
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.