@brunopieroni

Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.

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@longwall26

If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”

@TylerLinkin

According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.

@Moi_RaRa

For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

@pleatedjeans

[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR

@CCRuns

Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.

@brunopieroni

Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.

@jasomnambulism

In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’

@envydatropic

They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.

@JosesLovesYou

-911 Whats the emergency?

My wife is suffocating me

-Literally or figuratively sir?

Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?

@TinaMav

My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck