I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
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Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not