My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
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Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
hmmm
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
put ‘er there pardner!
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.