Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
You Might Also Like
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
this could fix me
Feels
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man