My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
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Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
#catsoftwitter
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly