My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed

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ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?

HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops


“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game


Hug your kids as often as possible.

They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock


Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.

*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?


You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.


me: I broke my leg, can anyone help

guy: I know what to do

me: oh thank goodness

guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses

me: k wait


My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.

He’s not amused.


Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?



Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.


This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.