Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
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My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.