And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
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My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
I had to Stop for this
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Ron is short for Aaronald
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Leaving the Barbers like
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO