My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
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I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY