A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
You Might Also Like
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.