“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
You Might Also Like
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*