7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
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me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.