Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
You Might Also Like
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Aight bet
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.