Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.![]()
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Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
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Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
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When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Good dog. ❤️
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Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
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After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
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*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health