Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
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My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed