Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
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Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
What an awful time to have common sense.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Zack Greinke stories are the best
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.