I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
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I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.