Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
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opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
o shit
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.