opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
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I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
#Caturday
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
If a snake ate a cake
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies