*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
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If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
How about daylight saves us for once