Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Worlds greatest photobomb
![]()
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Need this in my life lol
![]()
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?