Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
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In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.