judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
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Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
choose your fighter
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.