I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
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Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.