us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
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All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?