Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
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Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her