So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
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The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
My circle of trust is a meatball
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler