I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
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“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ