I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
You Might Also Like
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.