I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Not all heroes wear capes….
![]()
demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
![]()
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah