I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
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This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Godspeed, John Glenn
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.