demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato
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I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
i- i did not expect this
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.