Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
You Might Also Like
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Found my door mat
When you “pspspsp” too hard
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range