your elf on the shelf was delicious
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oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Personal question. #JustSaying
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*