Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
You Might Also Like
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…