There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
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The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
2022 will be better than 2021
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.