@msmollybee25

This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.

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@KnownComment

If social media platforms were weddings:

FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception

IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback

Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk

@RdrJay47

Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.

@hyperblastchic

Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.

@Browtweaten

Son: Being an adult is easier

Me: No way, childhood is

Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES

*Shooting star flies overhead*

Son: Wait this sucks

Me: No take backs

@jwoodham

Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.

@josh___grant

Batman-

See, kids?

Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.

@topaz_kell

Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.

@Browtweaten

Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?

Me: I found the place

Owner: So?

Me: Finders keepers

Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn

@mommajessiec

I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.