This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
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Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
“That’s what” – She
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”