@msmollybee25 This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
@KnownComment If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
@RdrJay47 Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
@hyperblastchic Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
@Browtweaten Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
@jwoodham Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
@josh___grant Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
@topaz_kell Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
@permawedgie 99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
@Browtweaten Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
@mommajessiec I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.