This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
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If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
🤣🤣🤣
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.