If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
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Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.