This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.

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If social media platforms were weddings:

FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception

IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback

Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk


Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.


Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.


Son: Being an adult is easier

Me: No way, childhood is


*Shooting star flies overhead*

Son: Wait this sucks

Me: No take backs


Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.



See, kids?

Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.


Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.


Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?

Me: I found the place

Owner: So?

Me: Finders keepers

Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn


I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.