My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
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I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic