Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
You Might Also Like
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
good let them take over I have had enough
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]