My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
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Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Many hands make light work
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.