every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
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Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
9: [doing something dangerous]
me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die
9: you’re always afraid of something like that.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it