every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
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I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
i did the math
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??