I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
You Might Also Like
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
My favorite female superhero