Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
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Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!