Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
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Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat