mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
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If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.