@mrjohndarby

waiter: wine?

date: I don’t drink

waiter: water?

me: she said she doesn’t drink pal

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@causticbob

My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine

@MelvinofYork

The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET

@amburgklur

Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.

@robdelaney

My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.

@longwall26

To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*

@weinerdog4life

Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.

@GrowlyGrego

[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R

@Greg_1_Leg

‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.