waiter: wine?

date: I don’t drink

waiter: water?

me: she said she doesn’t drink pal

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My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine


The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET


Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.


My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.


To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*


Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.


[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R


‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.