@mrjohndarby
@causticbob My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
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@causticbob 
@AGStr8upNinja My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
@MelvinofYork The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
@amburgklur Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
@robdelaney My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
@JamesonN7 Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
@longwall26 To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
@weinerdog4life Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
@GrowlyGrego [spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
@Greg_1_Leg ‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.