waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
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I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit