[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
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LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes