Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
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Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass