– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
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Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!
Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
The stickier the better.