Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried![]()
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A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
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Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
He a real one for that
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