Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
You Might Also Like
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually