John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
You Might Also Like
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Finally!
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
We need more people like this.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else