[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
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Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Meow
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?