I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
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Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Canadian owl: Eh?
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She鈥檚 my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you鈥檙e good.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
fed my baby with a knife* today if you鈥檙e wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 馃槑
I’m too immature for adultery.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She鈥檇 been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn鈥檛 know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer鈥檚 mom: you鈥檙e wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don鈥檛
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don鈥檛 let anybody tell you differently
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
I鈥檝e been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93