Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
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I want what they have
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!