You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
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man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Dietest Coke
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.